


missing you // bloodied hands

by liquorisce



Series: the ice of your heart [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AruAni, F/M, Old Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28341933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liquorisce/pseuds/liquorisce
Summary: “You don’t just miss things that are far away, you know.”"... Sometimes there are things that are right in front of you, but you miss them anyway."(written for aruani week 2014. repost from tumblr)
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart
Series: the ice of your heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075499
Kudos: 30





	missing you // bloodied hands

**Author's Note:**

> dont mind me, just giving my old fics a home here on ao3 :)

“Missing something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s far away.”

Curious words, he thinks, when he overhears them. He wants to question this strange logic but she looks so sure, stating it like it’s a fact and that it cannot be refuted. Upon closer inspection, these words of wisdom come from a tiny blonde girl, smaller than him even, hair a little paler, eyes one shade bluer, and a voice that tells him that maybe she’s just a little bit more _damaged_ than he is.

He seeks out this voice out more often than not, straining his ears to catch her words, infrequent that they are, reveling in their strangeness, his attention snared like one of the books his grandfather had given him.

The first time he plucks up the courage to talk to her, he is an utter mess, words tripping over each other, a self-conscious blush spread over his face. “I’m pretty bad at hand-to-hand combat,” he says, after watching her train one evening. “Could you…” he trails off, already intimidated by the look she gives him, it’s no wonder she always wins. “You’re bad at most things that involve physical endurance, aren’t you?” Her words are offensive, but he thinks he spots a hint of a smile, a teasing lilt in the voice that is usually so stoic. He’s not sure why, but he’s embarrassed more than insulted.

She knows all his weaknesses, points out his flaws as if they were the most obvious things in the world, but she still doesn’t go easy on him. “Titans aren’t going to wait till you’re ready,” she says in response to the alarmed groan he lets out when she first punches him. He does his best to defend himself but he’s just entered Annie’s comfort zone and he worries that if this is _comfort_ then he doesn’t even want to _think_ about what discomfort is.

By the end of it, his lips are swollen and bleeding from one side, his cheekbone showing definite discolouration. He almost regrets his decision to ask her for help, because he isn’t sure he’ll make it out alive, but she offers a hand to help him get up and he’s glad he got the chance to discover how soft it is.

She doesn’t let go till she leaves him to get the first aid box, only to be back within less than two minutes, holding a pack of ice and some antiseptic. “You bruise easily,” she says sounding slightly remorseful that the growing welt on his cheek was entirely her doing. He’s thankful he looks so beat up, because otherwise the ever-growing blush on his cheek would be far too conspicuous.

“Will you be free again tomorrow?” His question comes as a surprise to Annie because few people ever want to spar with her more than once. She nods hesitantly and he smiles, a smile so generous and genuine that she’s tempted to have a go at it too. She watches him head back to his dorm, he was pretty beat after all, and wonders if this is what being _comfortable_ with someone feels like.

..

Eventually he feels a sense of familiarity grow onto them so he asks her about her home town. For the first time he notices a slight quiver of her lips before she answers, a smidgeon of unsurety which is usually masked by the curtness of her answers. “There are a few people still living there,” she says, keeping her eyes on the sky, her expression hidden.

He looks at her anyway, observing the hook of her nose turned defiantly upwards, and lately it seems all he does is watch her, slowly beginning to understand the meaning of her almost invisible gestures. The swallow of her throat when she is faced with a difficult question, the quiver of her lips when the words don’t want to come out, the cleverly hidden glaze of her eyes when she’s going to lie… Armin has memorized them all.

But despite all this, he knows she will answer him. So he doesn’t prod her and begins to talk about his own hometown, his voice softer, calmer, soothing like the ‘waves’ of the outside world that Armin keeps talking about.

“There’s nothing left of my town,” he says sadly. He is such a sharp contrast to her, she thinks, the blue in his eyes reflecting more emotion than it should in this dangerous world.

“It’s a long way from here,” he says when she asks where it is. “I miss it sometimes.”

It’s after he utters these words that Annie says something that will ring in his ears for the years to come. Just like the first time he had ever heard her speak. “You don’t just miss things that are far away, you know.” She turns toward him, and all of a sudden they are closer than he is prepared for, her nose less than an inch from his. It’s all he can do to _not_ look at her lips, pink and small that they are, just like the rest of her, and wonder what it would be like to feel them against his own.

“Sometimes there are things that are right in front of you, but you miss them anyway.”

She tilts her head back and looks at him. This time Armin thinks he agrees with her because that wonderful closeness is gone and even though her lips are right in front of him, he misses them anyway.

..

It was no surprise that she’s made it to the top ten, really, her skills had been obvious from day one. She had always maintained that she wanted the comforts of the inner walls and one night, when Armin had told her about his decision to join the Survey Corps, she knew that this little tryst of theirs wouldn’t go far.

She had known everything and accepted it, even, but when the blonde boy and his nervous fidgeting is replaced by a tall brunette who clearly spends far too much time worrying about her hair, she realizes just how unprepared she is for a life without him.

..

He had done it. Somehow, Armin had made it through the grueling training and finally graduated to become a member of the Survey Corps. He couldn’t have done it by himself, he thinks, glancing down at his watch to see that it was now 6 PM, his usual training time with Annie. He leaves the crowd of celebrating trainees and walks back to the dorms needing some peace and quiet, because the only thing weighing on his mind now is that there would be no ‘training’ with Annie anymore, no _anything_ in fact because the new recruits for the Military Police had already left to the inner walls.

He sighs, trying to shake off his depressing thoughts because he should be happy for really, life inside Wall Sina is peaceful. And safe.

So when he reaches his room, he is shocked and maybe just slightly overjoyed to see the very same girl who was clouding his thoughts sitting right outside on the stairs, waiting for him.

“You took your time,” she says, smiling slightly at his open mouthed reaction to her presence. “I really don’t see why you people were celebrating about joining the Survey Corps.” She’s never really hidden her disdain for the Survey Corps or her marked disapproval of Armin joining it.

“ _The Garrison isn’t a bad choice, you know,” she had told him one day after kicking his ass, yet again, wondering why in the world such a smart boy would repeat the same mistakes over and over again. “It’s a safer choice,” she says, “at least you won’t be offering your life on a platter to the Titans.” He surveys his injuries calmly, listening to what she says but not saying anything back because he’s already made his choice. It had taken him a while but he slowly realized that she wasn’t being condescending, she actually cared._

_For someone who seems so meek, he can be awfully stubborn, she realizes and it’s frustrating sometimes. You’ll be closer to me, she wants to say, because that’s the real reason she wants to him to join the Garrison, but the words don’t come out._

“Annie,” he exclaims, staring at her in the most impolite manner, “What are you doing here?! The rest of them have already left!”

“Training,” she says blankly, coming up with the only excuse she can think of, “I hear your first mission isn’t too long from now. I’ll catch up with them later.”

He fails to see the real life applications of hand-to-hand combat when it comes to facing Titans, but he goes along with it, if it means getting just one more chance to spend time with her. Even if it involves getting thrown onto the floor and on his back, within mere seconds.

He sits up and rubs his head gingerly, wondering how he got lucky enough for Annie to give him an extra moment to breathe. He looks up at her, his grin sheepish as if to apologize for being so terrible despite all the time she has spent on him, but he catches her staring at him, the emotion in her eyes unrecognizable.

She drops to her knees, down to his level, defeated, because the last thing she actually wants to do with him is fight. She watches his eyebrows furrow together in worry and she knows that he’s figured out that she’s upset. And for once, she doesn’t want to pretend otherwise.

“Hey,” he starts, his tone soft but questioning, “What’s wrong?” Not for the first time, she laments that even the smartest of boys can have their blonde moments (pardon the pun) and wonders why it’s so hard to just say what she’s thinking.

But she’s given up waiting for the words to come out, and she knows better than to expect Armin to make the first move, so she shifts forward to kiss him instead, answering the question with her lips rather than her words.

It doesn’t take long for Armin to catch on, the initial dizziness of surprise wearing off only to be replaced with a desire to be even closer. He pulls her towards him, taking a moment to look at her. He traces a finger over her parted lips, whispering, “I’m going to miss you,” and she pulls his mouth back to hers pouring her feelings into the kiss.

She hopes he understands, threading her fingers into his blonde strands, that she can’t help this, she doesn’t want to leave him. “You can still choose the Garrison,” she says desperately, not caring that her defenses are down to the ground. He shakes his head, trying to bite back the tears because this is a pointless discussion.

So he finds her mouth instead, initiating the kiss this time, pushing away all the sadness because he just wants to focus on her. Her eyes, her nose, her lips, he wants to kiss each one of them. She gives into him, knowing that it’s futile, that things were about to change anyway, trying to revel in the feeling of Armin wrapped around her. His kiss is deep but gentle, and she tastes acceptance and kindness and all the wonderful things that he represents in her life.

They are lost in this gentle, warm humdrum of kisses and touches till it begins to rain, large, heavy drops falling on their faces. Armin looks up at the sky and smiles but before he can say anything she pins him to the ground, kissing him with an urgency that startles him. She doesn’t want the comfort anymore, she decides, and selfish that it may be, she wants to take the smile off his face, steal it from him and take it with her because she needs it more than he does. She needs his touch, his kisses, his taste and she needs him to want her the way she wants him.

Armin falls into her desperate rhythm, open-mouthed, licking into her and a small part of his mind is aware that they are soaking wet, the rain water mixing with their kisses, mud in their hair and clothes, but he doesn’t want to stop, not now, not _ever._

He’s managed to untuck her shirt, stroking her taut abs with his messy fingers. He is positive he wouldn’t have stopped there if it weren’t for a deep annoyed voice that cuts into the air.

“Arlert,” the voice says, and Armin freezes because it’s no mystery who that voice belongs to. Everyone in the army knows it. With great effort he wrenches his lips away from hers, and looks up at Levi heichou, clearly irritated at having to stand out in the rain and deal with their antics.

“Yes sir,” he says, voice more of a squeak than anything else, because he is aware that it’s not just Levi who’s irritated, Annie looks almost furious. “You look filthy,” he says calmly, not caring that she’s straddling his hips and her shirt is undone. They couldn’t have looked less guilty even if they tried. “We can’t have sick, dirty little runts joining the Survey Corps.” He looks over at her, scrutinizing her face as she got off of him. “And you,” he says, recognizing her, “The Military brats are looking for you.”

She gets up, shaking the mud off of her sleeves and when Armin looks at her, he sees that the mask is back on, all traces of vulnerability having washed off with the rain. He can do nothing but watch as Levi takes her away and he shivers, the warmth seeping out of him and trailing off in Annie’s shadow.

..

The worst part about having spent so much time with Annie is that most of it was spent looking into her eyes, and that reading them had become one of his best talents.

So it’s no wonder that when he’s certain death is knocking at his door, he thinks of her and wishes he could see her again, just one last time.

He gets his wish, and he’s horrified by it, staring into her eyes, only they were a hundred times larger, embedded in a titan-sized body that is about to deliver the death he is preparing for.

His heart stops, because there is too much realization, fear and shock coursing through him all at once.

What is most shocking is that he can see his emotions mirrored in her eyes, as she sets him back down, setting off into a sprint, wanting to get away from him and all the questions that were sure to follow.

..

“Armin,” Mikasa calls, her voice shaking him out of his reverie, urging him to take better notice of what his horse was doing. Pulling on its reins in indication for it to keep moving, he looks ahead, thoughts consuming him all over again. “What’s bothering you?” she asks, noting that the blonde had been out of sorts ever since the encounter with the Female Titan three days ago.

He knows that they’ve been friends for years and that he can trust Mikasa, but he refrains from saying anything because he knows she will only see red when it comes to endangering Eren’s life. So he keeps his theory to himself, shaking his head and assuring her that he’s just tired from the journey. He wonders why he’s trying so hard to protect Annie when he should be angry too, Eren is his best friend after all.

He’s still waiting for some proof, some concrete evidence that will give life to the sliver of hope that it was only his imagination and that those eyes belonged to a complete stranger.

The minute they enter the innermost city, they are given instructions to head to the Survey Corps quarters where they will be staying the night and that Commander Erwin will meet with them tomorrow.

He heads straight to his room, telling Eren and Mikasa to go on to dinner without him and that he isn’t hungry anyway. “I’ll save you some bread in case you’re hungry later,” she says quietly, her way of telling him that he needs to eat.

He nods absently, but he knows there’s no way he can stomach anything because the truth is twisting inside his gut. He has decided that he will tell the Commander first thing in the morning.

When he reaches his room he notices that his door is unlocked and he frowns looking back at the room number to confirm that this is indeed the one he has been allotted.

He opens the door slowly and when he looks inside, his heart is torn by his conflicted emotions looking at the small figure perched at the edge of his bed. He lets out a long breath, wanting to smack himself because it was obvious, really, the Military Police was in charge of their hospitality after all.

If she could infiltrate a Survey Corps expedition then surely procuring his room key would have hardly been a challenge for Annie.

He looks at her for a moment, the girl that he thought he had fallen in love with, but when he closes his eyes and opens them again, all he can see is a monster. Who had betrayed all of humanity.

Within a moment she has him pinned against the door, and he is so exhausted with trying to sort out his feelings, he just gives into the feel of her small body against his. She surges forward to kiss him and he knows they won’t be talking tonight.

There’s no point, they both know the truth and no amount of words could take it away.

She drags him by the lapels of his coat, pushing him onto the bed and straddling him, kissing him the entire time. His brain functioning has been reduced to an almost negligible level and he wonders just how physical intimacy works as such a wonderful drug, dragging away the pain and replacing it with a heavy, hormonal stupor that drives his mouth and hands to work with a mind of his own.

She makes short work of their clothes, yanking his shirt so hard that his buttons pop off, scattering into the dusty corners of the room. Her kisses are more teeth this time, nipping on his lower lip causing him to gasp out loud. “Annie,” he says, voice hoarse, because he may be reacting to her in the most shameless way, but it doesn’t change the fact that she betrayed them, no, she betrayed _him,_ and it’s breaking his heart.

His mind goes back to something she told him a long ago and he’s never agreed with it more. She’s right in front of him, on top of him even, closer than ever, but he has never _missed_ her more.

She feels sorry for him then, because Armin is too good for her, too pure to be touched with her bloodstained hands but she can’t help it. She’s certain he thinks of a monster, that it’s too late for her to explain anything and she doesn’t care anymore, she just wants to drag him into the deepest rings of inferno along with her.

“Stop me,” she says in a choked whisper, and she’s stupid to think that he will, not now, not when she’s naked on top of him, lips swollen from kissing him, her arousal dripping against his own.

“No,” he breathes, yanking her down on to him with a roughness, biting her lips hard when she sinks down onto him, to stifle his own groan. For now, this is okay, he thinks, he can stay in this suspended state of consciousness, consumed by the flames of their desire.

..

The morning comes sooner than he is prepared for, waking up in warm sheets only to find that he is alone, with only her blue hair tie lying near the pillow as a reminder of the night that had passed. His cheeks burn with the memory of how it got there, mind flooded with the image of him pulling it off her with impatience as she arched against him.

He washes his face and gets dressed, trying to calm himself. As he walks into the room where the Commander waits for him, he is strangely mollified.

How different was he, from her, when they both just ultimately end up betraying the ones they love?


End file.
